Did you know there’s a tiny village absolutely RIFE with crime in the middle of Disney World?

You may have spotted the small train town in the Germany Pavilion at EPCOT, but have you ever noticed the absolute ANARCHY the village is dealing with? We’ve been watching it for months and bringing our readers updates, with everything from miniature murders to alien invasions going on…we’re surprised they’re still surviving! Let’s check in to see what they’re up to this week.

First of all, we had to check back in with this poor man who fell off his cart…or so his companions WANT you to think! He’s been on the ground for weeks now, so we can only assume this was cold-blooded murder. What evidence do we have to support that claim?

Money has changed hands! We noticed a copper penny near the scene of the crime, and we can only assume it’s the payment that the hitman received for offing the cart’s driver. I suspect the man in the brown vest — he looks fishy, and there’s no telling what he’s hiding inside that treasure chest.

Last week, we noticed that two men outside of the mill were arguing with the woman who lives there, and she was armed with a very sharp stick. Since our last report, things have escalated — one of the men has clearly been stabbed and lies incapacitated in the rocky pool below. His friend better get out of there before the miller attacks him as well!

At a nearby farmhouse, something tragic has happened to scare a rail worker and his companion. One man lies unconscious on the rocks while another cowers in fright, covered in mud. Do we even want to know what kind of beast caused this attack?!

But it didn’t take looking much further to find a potential culprit! A GIANT BIRD has taken over the village’s castle, terrorizing its inhabitants in a battle that rivals the destruction caused by King Kong or Godzilla. Unfortunately, we are powerless to stop this terrifying, cataclysmic event.

The only people who seem to be safe from the destruction and murder are those riding the train…or are they? We know enough about how the people in this town settle their disputes to not trust all these solo travelers riding in the same train car. They look eerily similar to some of the characters from Murder on the Orient Express, to us. We’re watching you guys.

Isn’t this village supposed to be a family-friendly place? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

We wish that we had more positive news to report from this quaint village, but it seems that they are doomed to suffer. What was once established as a charming community has become a hotbed of moral turpentine.

Click Here to See Our Last Tiny Train Town Update!

Have you ever visited the tiny train town? Tell us in the comments!

The post We’re Officially Deeming EPCOT’s Tiny Train Town Unsuitable for Children first appeared on the disney food blog.