It’s time to go BACK to my favorite little spot in all of Disney World…Tiny Train Town!

As the unofficial mayor of this itty bitty city, I love to stop by and see what my residents are up to. Unfortunately, this group of ragtags and ruffians usually have some kind of shenanigans up their sleeves, and I have to rein them in. So everyone cross your fingers that today is a crime-free update!

Let’s start out with our town’s new resident, Doreen, who has become the bane of my existence. I reported a few weeks back that Doreen had moved here to live out a quiet retirement, and I was hopeful that she’d be a chill cat lady who would keep to herself…well, I laugh in the face of my past self. Doreen has filed complaints with the mayor’s office no less than 23 times since she moved here, reporting everything from noise level to train delays to petty crimes to subpar pastries at the local bakery. DOREEN! I’m about to kick you out myself. I got bigger fish to fry these days, girlfriend.

You may recall that in the past year or two, the train stations in our village have been a hotspot for meetups with the singles, and the locations have sparked many a meet-cute among new couples. However, now, they’re playing host to a NEW problem: influencers! Yes, there are several up-and-comers in our town who love the new architecture of the train stations and have been using them as their personal portrait studios. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if folks weren’t impeding the flow of traffic or CLIMBING ONTO THE TRACKS to take pictures. Good grief you guys, it’s not worth your safety for the perfect Instagram photo! Plus, I really really really don’t want to file that incident report.

Back in September, I gave the employees of the mayor’s office a little vacation time so that they could get a break from all the nonsense we deal with. My secretary, Denise, decided to take that time to go backpacking with her pet goats. Well, it has been six weeks now and I MISS YOU, DENISE. I need you to come back to work and help me because the paperwork is piling up and the phone is ringing off the hook! I promise I’ll give you a raise, but I can’t do it without you. The intern accidentally scheduled me 35 meetings for the same day and I can’t handle it anymore.

You guys, we were SO close. We nearly made it through an entire update with nary a report of crime, but the citizens of Tiny Train Town just can’t behave for five minutes. Some vandals have been going around and slicing through the wooden legs of the benches in town so that when people sit down, the benches collapse out from under them. It’s clearly meant to be a funny prank, but it has led to a new wave of distrust among the residents. We’re basically having a “standing epidemic” — standing on trains, standing in restaurants, standing at the doctor’s office…everyone’s afraid to sit down. So I guess this week I have to go out and test every bench in town for structural integrity. Add it to my to-do list Denise (if you come back to work, that is).

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* The anarchy within is mostly created by natural occurrences, like giant squirrels, wind, rain, and relatively godzilla-sized lizards who frequent the town; but we find it fun and entertaining to make up fictional stories about what COULD be happening.  We are grateful to the folks who create and maintain this Tiny Train Town for Disney World, as it’s one of our favorite parts of EPCOT and always has been.

See More Tiny Train Town Adventures Here!

Have you ever visited Tiny Train Town in EPCOT? Tell us in the comments!